


overwhelmed .

by gowthertoons



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bang Chan-centric, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Insomniac Bang Chan, Overworking, Please Don't Hate Me, Sad Bang Chan, Self-Harm, Stressed Bang Chan, Tired Bang Chan, at least I hope, chan sees hate comments, chan worries the others, chan's v sad i'm sorry, i think, i'll add more tags as i go ig, um
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:00:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29492457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gowthertoons/pseuds/gowthertoons
Summary: chan's been feeling very overwhelmed lately . he couldn't sleep and he locked himself in his studio often . skz was having a comeback soon , and all the members were nervous . chan was still editing a song but was getting very frustrated . he couldn't focus and it just didn't sound right . he needed to calm down .alternatively : a self insert chan comfort fic :)--------------------------------------i suck at summaries leave me alone >:(
Kudos: 27
Collections: gowther's comfort fics





	1. Chapter 1

chan is stressed .

he sits in his office chair , rocking back and forth , staring at his computer screen . he can't focus . why can't he focus ? this needs to be done in the next few days !! he heaves a sigh . he needs to focus and get this song done . the comeback is going to be soon and if he doesn't get it done by then , then what ? 

chan stands up and stretches . he needs to take a breath . he grabs his hoodie and steps out into the hallway . it’s empty . chan checks his watch . 10 : 37 pm . he rushes to the door , wanting to get out as soon as possible . 

when chan gets outside , the sky is dull and gray . he puts his airpods in and plays his favorite playlist . he wanders around the outside of the building , humming along every now and then . the cement looks dull and gray . chan watches his shoes as he walks . he decides to check twitter .

the second he opens twitter , the first thing he sees is comeback teasers . the usual stays screaming and spamming hashtags . he decides to inspect the hashtags . most of the hashtags are full of stays and comeback images . but he comes across a certain hashtag , #bangchanleave . he scrolls through the hashtag , seeing a few stays trying to clear the tag . but there’s also a lot of hate .

chan stares . stares and stares and stares . the tweets say things like “ chan is fat , “ “ chan is ugly , “ and “ chan doesn’t deserve to be in stray kids .“ the comments bring tears to chan’s eyes . he never meant to disappoint anyone . he was trying …

but maybe not hard enough .


	2. Chapter 2

chan is hungry .

he hasn’t had a proper meal in a while . this is what they wanted , right ? they said he was too fat . they said he was too ugly . he’s going to fix that now . he’s going to lose weight . he’s going to be pretty !

he knows the other members wouldn’t like this . so he had been avoiding them , spending more time in his studio , trying to work . he still had a block though . he’s been slowly getting things done , but not fast enough for his liking . he needed to be faster . 

chan realized with a jump that today was sunday . he needs to do a live ! oh no , he thinks , his studio is a mess ! there are papers everywhere , cans of coffee on the floor . 

he runs toward his studio , already was in the building , but needs to get there faster . he passes a mirror on the wall and catches a glimpse of himself . he looks tired . he’ll have to do his makeup too . time is ticking . just as he’s getting close , he trips over his foot and falls . 

ugh , now his knees sting , chan notes as he gets up . he walks the rest of the way , careful of where he’s stepping now . when he finally gets there , after what felt like an eternity , he slams the heavy door and takes off his light jacket .

chan immediately gets to picking up his stray papers , thinking about what he’d do during the live . he makes sure they’re neat and organized before he puts them together in a folder . 

maybe he should start off with one of his favorite songs ? he wondered as he picked up coffee cups , or teasers for the com-

shit .

chan hadn’t finished editing the song . he had decided to put it off for a bit , for a break , but now he was behind . he started to panic . he had to get this done by the end of the day . he needs to-

chan paused when he felt something wet on his cheek . he had started crying ? paying no mind , he sat in his chair and powered on his computer . he needs to get it done . 

later , after he had finally worked enough to be satisfied , he checked the time . it was 10 pm , meaning he could still start the vlive with no worries . chan started setting up his space to get the live .

before hitting the button to start the live , chan did a quick sweep of the room . all clean . good , he thinks as he starts the live .

“ hello stay !! “ chan starts with the biggest smile he could muster , “ i’ve missed you ! “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm slowly trying to make the chapters longer ! i suck at dialouge and you can see it in my writing lmao . anyways i hope you're enjoying !


	3. Chapter 3

chan sighs .

he had only been on live for a little more than an hour . he was so tired though , and his cheeks hurt from smiling so much . 

he can’t stop thinking about the question one stay had asked .

_ chan’s live had been going well so far , they were listening to some of his current favorite songs. he reached up and pet the camera , as if he were patting stays head . then he continues rocking to the song and reading comments . _

_ but a certain comment had caught his eye . _

_ ‘ what were those marks on chan’s arm ? ‘ _

_ chan tries to ignore it , subconsciously pulling down his sleeves . deciding to read and reply to other comments . _

_ “i love you too , stay ! “ he continued on , ignoring the previous comment . _

chan leaned back in his chair . he knew what those marks were . he just tried to avoid acknowledging them . he ignored them . sometimes he put makeup on to cover the pale white scars and scratches . 

but now that he had acknowledged them , he cant stop thinking about them . he rolls his sleeves up and stares , the white marks a reminder of the past . he remembers the helpless feeling he experienced that led him to making these . he remembers getting addicted . to the pain , to the feeling of someone he hates getting hurt . 

chan remembers that he almost got caught . that it was such a close shave , that he stopped from fear of getting caught . he remembers that it was so hard to stop , that he wanted to keep hurting himself forever .

that he never wanted to quit .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to be clear , none of this has ever happened , and i do not wish for it to happen . this is just a vent fic abt one of my comfort idols <33


	4. Chapter 4

  
  


chan needs to calm down . 

he needs to breathe . he’s trying to breathe , why can’t he breathe ? 

think calm thoughts . 

laying in bed , staring at the ceiling . taking a walk in the rain . reading a book with the tv playing in the background .

chan breathes . 

his phone chimes , but he ignores it .

this is why he avoided thinking about it . he never wanted this to happen . his arm itches . 

he’s been clean for a few months , but he has a sudden urge to end his streak . 

no . he will not . not right before a comeback . everyone will see . everyone will think hes disgusting . everyone is going to hate him even more .

he decides against it .

chan decides to pack up and head home , decides that’s too much thinking about it . he needs to calm down . 

* * *

  
  


chan lays in his bed . it’s 3 am and he can’t sleep . he wasn’t tired . maybe he’ll go to the gym , or work on editing songs a bit more ? why not both ?

chan gets ready to go out , changes out of his pajamas .

he walks out of the dorm carefully , trying to be quiet as to not wake the others .

when he gets outside , it’s dull and gray again . chan wonders if it’s just dull and gray when he’s there , if he makes everything dull and gray . if everything is sad and lonely when he’s around .

Walking slowly , he heads to his normal gym . will it even be open ? he didn’t think of that . well , if not , he can just head straight to his studio .

Just as he has suspected , the gym was closed . chan heads to his studio . it isn’t far from here . he checks the time , 4 am . 

It’s already been an hour ? he needs to hurry before his dance practice . it’s at ten , but if time keeps passing like this , it’ll be ten in no time !

chan finally makes it to his studio , after aggressively speedwalking there . it was about 4 :30 am , he guessed , meaning he had two hours until the gym opened for the day .

he got to work .


	5. Chapter 5

chan looked at the time .

It was 6 am , meaning he should start heading to the gym . it was a short walk from the studio , but he wanted to take his time .

chan got up from his seat and stretched . he was starting to get tired , although he knew he still wouldn’t be able to sleep if he tried .

chan pulled on his coat . he needs to get going . he wonders whether his members are still sleeping or not . he wonders what kind of dreams they have . he walks into the hallway .

chan continues on his way to the gym . he realizes it’s raining , cursing himself for not wearing a waterproof coat as he pulls his hood up . 

When he steps outside , he feels the light rain . he wonders yet again if it’s always like this when he’s around , only sad when he’s present . he thinks that’s pretty fitting for his pathetic existence . he stands in the same spot for a little bit , the rain is sort of calming .

chan starts making his way to the gym again . he’s not even rushing , although his cloth hood is starting to get wet . he thinks he deserves it . the wet and cold covering his head . 

he’s walking down the street in the wee hours of the morning , but he finds it amusing how lively the streets are so early . of course , they can’t compare to during the day when everyone’s awake . it’s so much more toned down right now , and chan is enjoying the break from his intrusive thoughts , his head empty from anything but the moment .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter bc i'm having a block and can't think of much to add but i don't wanna leave anyone hanging lol

**Author's Note:**

> this is a self insert fic !!! i don't wish this on him or anyone !!! i will try to make the chapters longer as i get deeper into the story , but i don't suspect it'll be very long .


End file.
